Marc Kaye - The Y (Chromosome) Files - Once Upon a Guy

Creative People - Marc Kaye

The Y (Chromosome) Files: A body for the burbs. A mind for the asylum.
By Marc Kaye

Marc Kaye - Bucks County Comedian04/01/13
Once Upon a Guy

Once upon a guy, men “kicked butts and took names.” Now, we’re politely reprimanding and asking for emails if they’re open to feedback.

Guys unite! Let’s face it – it’s not so easy being a guy these days. I am not whining here. I’m just stating what goes left unsaid.

It’s all about messages.

I understand I need to provide empathy and contribution but be firm. I can be a coach but focus on the lesson, not the win. I have the right to some “me” time but need to be open to “us” time. It’s ok to cry at a Matt Damon movie but try not to have it turn into a full-blown weep. Message received.

Meanwhile, on the pages of Facebook, I, like many guy friends, are receiving a lot of subliminal messages from other men in advertisements who look a lot healthier and happier than we do. What do they know that we don’t? Is it possible that Facebook, in their infinite wisdom derived from specific algorithms tailored to yours truly, really is the one “person” that gets me? Let’s take a closer look.

As of today, I am being asked to seriously consider a doctorate in education. Apparently, the fact that I have no background in education (other than lecturing others on things they rather not know about – like the value of shutting the toilet seat to keep airborne bacterium to a minimum or the importance of keeping your bagpipe tubes clean as per a New York Times article – again with respect to said bacterium), is of no import to Facebook. I mean, that ridiculously long run-on sentence should tell you that if anything; I am the one in need of an educator. Right?

On the other side of the spectrum is an incredibly cut and toned bodybuilder who is sitting down and flexing and appears to be trying really hard to open a jar of applesauce though it’s hard to tell for sure. Facebook thinks I need a “testosterone magnifier”. I’ll be honest – it’s tempting. The closest I ever came to being compared to Arnold Schwarzenegger is when I was walking with a former boss of mine from Germany who made me look like Danny DeVito in “Twins”.

The next message I am getting is for coupons. Honestly, mom would be proud. But when taken with the previous two suggestions, I am really nothing more than a low-testosterone, undereducated cheapskate. No wonder why women have such a natural pull toward me.

My favorite ad that keeps coming up is from Dr. Oz. The good doctor has my best interest at heart. All the education and testosterone-filled deal making won’t really matter if I’m still battling weight problems. Thanks to Dr. Oz, I can lose up to 20 pounds a month. I am pretty excited about this. I get pretty down at the shore trying to live up to all those “real” guys and now at that rate of weight loss, I’ll be able to disappear by September!

Marc Kaye is a writer, comedian, songwriter and marketer who would gladly trade in writing about every single thought that arises in his head for some serious athletic skills. You can find out more about Marc at and follow him on Twitter @MarcKaye1.

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